Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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