Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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