Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
