I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
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Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
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Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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