I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
