my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
