your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
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Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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