is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
