There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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