I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
