in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
