we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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