I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
