I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
