The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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