I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
