I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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