What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The feeling are messing with the penis
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
