Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
