O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
