I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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