Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
