Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
