we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
