Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
