just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
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The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
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That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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