It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
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University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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