my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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