I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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