the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just found a bag of teeth...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
