bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
