Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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