I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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