I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Randomize
