No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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