Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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