I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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