i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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