Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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