just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
