And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I deserve this hangover.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
