Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
