She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
