id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
