Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
