I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Less talking, more tequila
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
