I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
