I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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