1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
