I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
you will always have a special place in my vag
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
it's like heaven, but drunker
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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