It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Please don't give away my fajitas
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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