we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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