My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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